written at bus stops and on busses
Oct. 11th, 2007 11:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tsukikageI am seriously proud of how hard I worked today. In fact, I'm pretty proud of how hard I've worked every study session this week that was away from home. Which says two things: I've gotta make a habit of studying away from home, and that I should work on bringing those elements that have been allowing me to study so well away from home, home.
Obviously not having my various TV shows with me when I'm at the university helps. I'm also not spending a shitload of time on the computer, either watching anime/dramas/whatever or checking various internet sites. In this aspect, my note taker has been a mixed blessing. It both facilitates my compulsive e-mail checking by not making me get up and go to another part of the building I'm in to check my e-mail, and reduces my overall computer usage during "study sessions". What I mean by this is that whenever I go to a computer to check my e-mail during study sessions, I usually spend more than the two minutes it takes to do so and end up spending a bunch of time on LJ and facebook and whatever the hell else there is for me to look at, and the time I spend walking back and forth between these longer-and-more-frequent-than-they-should-be computer sessions really adds up. (Of course, this is assuming my sessions aren't so long that I essentially only take two or three "study breaks" of maybe a half-hour each, in which case commute time isn't really the issue.)
During my recent study sessions, I've basically had my note taker out the whole time, but the relatively limited capabilites of the thing prevent me from getting drawn into IM conversations or refreshing my friends page 50 times. My interactions with the internet are thus tempered to hitting the refresh button on my e-mail maybe once every ten minutes, which takes about 5-30 seconds each time, checking my U e-mail every 1-3 hours (I rarely check my U e-mail anyway), and checking my LJ friends page maybe once every 3 hours. Again, this still seems like a lot, but trust me, it signficantly reduces the average amount of time I spend not studying in a given period.
In any case, my future goals in other home or away study sessions are to reduce the total amount of time I spend on the internet (which, for reasons I described above, might start with at least having my note taker on me, and will hopefully end with actually checking my e-mail, etc., once every 3-4 hours or so), and in home study sessions will primarily consist of KEEPING THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER AND DVDs (and manga and interesting-but-not-terribly-important discussions with my family and whatever the hell else I may find terribly shiny - or at least shinier than studying - at the moment).
There are a bunch of other factors that I think help keep me on track of things when I'm studying away from home, like the lack of a kitchen to prepare munchies in (and the presence of dining halls to get easy, nutritious meals that will fill me up more properly than anything Imake for myself at home) and the general lack of interesting activities for study breaks, reducing me to quick walks around the floor (which I suppose ties in to the bit about shinies above) - but in the end... Actually, I don't really have a good conclusion for all of this. ^^;
Regarding the introspective bit I wanted to post that I mentioned earlier... I did forget some of the things that were going through my mind. But in general my good feelings about things lately, and the minor scolding I got from Vinny, helped me start thinking about what I want from myself, and where I am with respect to that. Quite often I think of how I have a bit of what I incorrectly term a "failure to thrive". I won't get into the details, partly because some of them will come off as rather emo, and partly because some of them, frankly, I don't want the majority of people to know about. But this can all be summed up, more or less, to that I don't take responsibility for myself or my obligations. I mean, I do in the sense that I make a point of accepting the conseequences of my actions. I actually take some pride in this, both because I think it is an important thing for all people, and because it helps me feel better about failing in the other sense of responsibility.
But my failure in taking initial responsibility has both resulted in a lack of positive developments in my life (becoming a CA, getting scholarships, etc.) and too many negative developments (numerous developing cavities, losing jobs, etc.). I would also say it has had significant negative effects on my interpersonal relationshps, which brings me to my next point.
What is my current goal in life? Obviously I have many goals with many different motivations, but right now, what should, even must, my primary goal be?
To learn to stand on my own feet. Then to learn to walk forward with my own feet. And then learn to run, both on my own feet and with others.
Right now I have trouble standing on my own feet, and I reeceive a lot of help from my parents on this, even though this should be accomplished by most people by the end of high school. And in some senses, even with my parents around, I'm just not standing.
I occasionally am able to walk, often with either my parents or friend's help. But really, although in college it's perfectly acceptable for parents to help with this, this rely isn't the job of friends. And in any case, no-one should have much trouble with walking with support from one's parents, and should occasionally be able to do so without them (and increasingly more often as one gets older).
Then I have friends who are truly running. I think, again, that they are doing so with help from their parents, and occasionally from their friends. I think for the most part, though, that those who run are able to do so on their own, and in the end the support one gets from their friends is to help them relax in between.
In any case, the point is that right now I can mostly stand, and to a lesser extend walk, but I can't remember the last time I have truly ran. And 95% of this has been with support from my parents and friends, which at this age is far too much, and which is also putting a strain on my relationships.
So, what is my life goal right now? To learn to stand ON MY OWN. To learn to walk for the most part ON MY OWN. And then, slowly, begin to run, both with support form my parents and friends. And you know what would be really cool? If after that I could support my own friends and children in healthy ways.
On the bright side, in these last few days I feel like I've been walking rather surely on my own, although now that I've dropped my work shifts my parents will be playing a bigger role. But you know what? I'd rather be walking with my parents' help than barely standing without it. ^_^ (Plus, it's easy to forget how just how much support our parents give us in the first place - without them I'd be working at McDonald's in order to buy my groceries.)
This whole metaphor is a bit convoluded, I know, but then again all of my introspections turn out a bit that way.
And with that, I shall upload my entry and relax a bit before bed. After all, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. :)
Obviously not having my various TV shows with me when I'm at the university helps. I'm also not spending a shitload of time on the computer, either watching anime/dramas/whatever or checking various internet sites. In this aspect, my note taker has been a mixed blessing. It both facilitates my compulsive e-mail checking by not making me get up and go to another part of the building I'm in to check my e-mail, and reduces my overall computer usage during "study sessions". What I mean by this is that whenever I go to a computer to check my e-mail during study sessions, I usually spend more than the two minutes it takes to do so and end up spending a bunch of time on LJ and facebook and whatever the hell else there is for me to look at, and the time I spend walking back and forth between these longer-and-more-frequent-than-they-should-be computer sessions really adds up. (Of course, this is assuming my sessions aren't so long that I essentially only take two or three "study breaks" of maybe a half-hour each, in which case commute time isn't really the issue.)
During my recent study sessions, I've basically had my note taker out the whole time, but the relatively limited capabilites of the thing prevent me from getting drawn into IM conversations or refreshing my friends page 50 times. My interactions with the internet are thus tempered to hitting the refresh button on my e-mail maybe once every ten minutes, which takes about 5-30 seconds each time, checking my U e-mail every 1-3 hours (I rarely check my U e-mail anyway), and checking my LJ friends page maybe once every 3 hours. Again, this still seems like a lot, but trust me, it signficantly reduces the average amount of time I spend not studying in a given period.
In any case, my future goals in other home or away study sessions are to reduce the total amount of time I spend on the internet (which, for reasons I described above, might start with at least having my note taker on me, and will hopefully end with actually checking my e-mail, etc., once every 3-4 hours or so), and in home study sessions will primarily consist of KEEPING THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER AND DVDs (and manga and interesting-but-not-terribly-important discussions with my family and whatever the hell else I may find terribly shiny - or at least shinier than studying - at the moment).
There are a bunch of other factors that I think help keep me on track of things when I'm studying away from home, like the lack of a kitchen to prepare munchies in (and the presence of dining halls to get easy, nutritious meals that will fill me up more properly than anything Imake for myself at home) and the general lack of interesting activities for study breaks, reducing me to quick walks around the floor (which I suppose ties in to the bit about shinies above) - but in the end... Actually, I don't really have a good conclusion for all of this. ^^;
Regarding the introspective bit I wanted to post that I mentioned earlier... I did forget some of the things that were going through my mind. But in general my good feelings about things lately, and the minor scolding I got from Vinny, helped me start thinking about what I want from myself, and where I am with respect to that. Quite often I think of how I have a bit of what I incorrectly term a "failure to thrive". I won't get into the details, partly because some of them will come off as rather emo, and partly because some of them, frankly, I don't want the majority of people to know about. But this can all be summed up, more or less, to that I don't take responsibility for myself or my obligations. I mean, I do in the sense that I make a point of accepting the conseequences of my actions. I actually take some pride in this, both because I think it is an important thing for all people, and because it helps me feel better about failing in the other sense of responsibility.
But my failure in taking initial responsibility has both resulted in a lack of positive developments in my life (becoming a CA, getting scholarships, etc.) and too many negative developments (numerous developing cavities, losing jobs, etc.). I would also say it has had significant negative effects on my interpersonal relationshps, which brings me to my next point.
What is my current goal in life? Obviously I have many goals with many different motivations, but right now, what should, even must, my primary goal be?
To learn to stand on my own feet. Then to learn to walk forward with my own feet. And then learn to run, both on my own feet and with others.
Right now I have trouble standing on my own feet, and I reeceive a lot of help from my parents on this, even though this should be accomplished by most people by the end of high school. And in some senses, even with my parents around, I'm just not standing.
I occasionally am able to walk, often with either my parents or friend's help. But really, although in college it's perfectly acceptable for parents to help with this, this rely isn't the job of friends. And in any case, no-one should have much trouble with walking with support from one's parents, and should occasionally be able to do so without them (and increasingly more often as one gets older).
Then I have friends who are truly running. I think, again, that they are doing so with help from their parents, and occasionally from their friends. I think for the most part, though, that those who run are able to do so on their own, and in the end the support one gets from their friends is to help them relax in between.
In any case, the point is that right now I can mostly stand, and to a lesser extend walk, but I can't remember the last time I have truly ran. And 95% of this has been with support from my parents and friends, which at this age is far too much, and which is also putting a strain on my relationships.
So, what is my life goal right now? To learn to stand ON MY OWN. To learn to walk for the most part ON MY OWN. And then, slowly, begin to run, both with support form my parents and friends. And you know what would be really cool? If after that I could support my own friends and children in healthy ways.
On the bright side, in these last few days I feel like I've been walking rather surely on my own, although now that I've dropped my work shifts my parents will be playing a bigger role. But you know what? I'd rather be walking with my parents' help than barely standing without it. ^_^ (Plus, it's easy to forget how just how much support our parents give us in the first place - without them I'd be working at McDonald's in order to buy my groceries.)
This whole metaphor is a bit convoluded, I know, but then again all of my introspections turn out a bit that way.
And with that, I shall upload my entry and relax a bit before bed. After all, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. :)
