fuck my plebeian mind
Jul. 29th, 2006 05:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tsukikageI've been reading his LJ a bit and... I want him back.
I'm trying really, really hard to be a good friend to him, and part of that means not expecting to ever be anything more, but sometime's it's so hard.
Part of it is I want to make up for all the shit I put him through. Well, not "make up for", that's not quite right... I just want to be good to him. The biggest part of it, of course, is just that I want him back. Sometimes I feel like I'm half-way through getting over him, and other times I'm exactly where I was. And over him or not, every night I'm at work, all alone for five hours straight, listening to the radio or a CD or whatever... I spend at least 3/4 of that time thinking about him or us or myself as it's affected us...
Pat picked me up to go to MAS on Thursday - his idea. It was really nice, I thought. A lot of the things I might've gotten a little annoyed about before, breaking up has somehow taught me to take them in stride and just smile. Teaching myself to respect his decision has also taught me to respect that he is who he is. On the way there we were talking about the WoW fishbot he uses and improved a bit, and as with all of our conversations these days, it had me constantly thinking about how "quick" or "sharp" I was, but for the most part I just enjoyed myself.
At MAS itself... We were sitting together, enjoying talking to various people on our own, talking a bit amongst ourselves... And I had this really strong urge to just lean against him. I just wanted some physical contact with him. For us to hold hands, or for him to have his arm around my shoulder or resting across my back while I was laying on the table or anything, really. After MAS when we were outside he put his arms out to give me a hug, and I was just so incredibly grateful for that. I had to rearrange the stuff I was carrying a bit, and then I gave him this really big hug, just releasing all that need for contact I had during MAS, and without even realising it I made a kiss into his shoulder... I know as I was walking towards the bus and he was going towards the Wok, I was really worried that he felt that and that he would get weirded out by it.
And then... The bus came, and I realized I forgot to get the $1.25 from him to pay my fare, and I had to go to the Wok and ask him for a ride home. The truth is, he originally offered to give me a ride both to and from MAS (assuming I didn't have work that night), but I turned it down both because of work and because I knew that not being together anymore it wasn't really a good thing for him to be giving me a lot of rides. I knew we needed to keep some distance. So here I am, not only going back on what I said about trying to be a good ex by not spending too much time with him or asking too much of him, but also making him unable to thoroughly enjoy his dinner with friends at the Wok because he had to keep looking at the time to make sure I got to work by 11:30 (which was when Lester said was the latest time I could come in). I'm right back to where I can't be. If we were to get back together, I'd need to be more responsible and capable of managing things on my own, and apart, especially as people who were once together, all the more so. I have no longer have the privilege of asking for help whenever I need it, even if when I did have it I was to use it responsibly. The ride to SA was uncomfortable and depressing.
I want to change so bad. I want to be the person he wanted me to be, both for him and for myself. Not only did I want to be someone he loved and wanted to be with, but the kind of person he wants to be with... Is the kind of person I want to be. I want to be responsible. I want to be able to manage myself. I want to be smart. I want to be clever. I want to be interesting. I want to know more about the world. I want to be the kind of person who takes the initiative to learn more and to constantly broaden my horizons. I want to be someone who cares and doesn't turn cold whenever things don't work like I planned. I want to be on top of things: mentally, physically, and emotionally.
But I'm not. I may be "smart", but I stopped growing a long, long time ago. I try to be more responsible than I used to be, but usually that amounts to not making any promises because I doubt I can keep them. I used to read and work hard in school to learn and broaden my horizons, and now I sit at home fangirlishly squeeing in my LJ about some TV show. Of course I couldn't have known that this would happen, but in a very real sense, it's my fault that I didn't become the person he wanted, and it's most certainly my fault that I didn't become the person I wanted to be. And I hate myself for it.
I mean, I wonder if I should just throw all of my present lifestyle out the window and just start over. Start growing again. Start exercising my mind, my tongue, my body, my self-control... Start learning how to filter all of these thoughts that jumble through my head that I'm too afraid are wise for a 10 year old but infantile for 20.
I want a second chance so desperately, but even if I were granted that wish... Would I just end up here again, left behind because I have too plebeian of a mind, and there's nothing I can do about it? But perhaps the hardest thing for me to come to terms with right now is that I won't get that second chance, because he's already finding others that give him what he needs, and once you leave someone so surely, going back to; them will only be regression for yourself.
So for now... I'm just going to fight to become someone I can actually be proud of, and to one day enter a relationship where neither of us will be settling for the other.
But Patrick, in case you ever read this: I'm so, so sorry for all the too many times I let you down.
[EDIT: I decided to filter this post from Patrick.]
[EDIT AGAIN: I unlocked the entry, after having IMed the entire thing to him anyway.]
I'm trying really, really hard to be a good friend to him, and part of that means not expecting to ever be anything more, but sometime's it's so hard.
Part of it is I want to make up for all the shit I put him through. Well, not "make up for", that's not quite right... I just want to be good to him. The biggest part of it, of course, is just that I want him back. Sometimes I feel like I'm half-way through getting over him, and other times I'm exactly where I was. And over him or not, every night I'm at work, all alone for five hours straight, listening to the radio or a CD or whatever... I spend at least 3/4 of that time thinking about him or us or myself as it's affected us...
Pat picked me up to go to MAS on Thursday - his idea. It was really nice, I thought. A lot of the things I might've gotten a little annoyed about before, breaking up has somehow taught me to take them in stride and just smile. Teaching myself to respect his decision has also taught me to respect that he is who he is. On the way there we were talking about the WoW fishbot he uses and improved a bit, and as with all of our conversations these days, it had me constantly thinking about how "quick" or "sharp" I was, but for the most part I just enjoyed myself.
At MAS itself... We were sitting together, enjoying talking to various people on our own, talking a bit amongst ourselves... And I had this really strong urge to just lean against him. I just wanted some physical contact with him. For us to hold hands, or for him to have his arm around my shoulder or resting across my back while I was laying on the table or anything, really. After MAS when we were outside he put his arms out to give me a hug, and I was just so incredibly grateful for that. I had to rearrange the stuff I was carrying a bit, and then I gave him this really big hug, just releasing all that need for contact I had during MAS, and without even realising it I made a kiss into his shoulder... I know as I was walking towards the bus and he was going towards the Wok, I was really worried that he felt that and that he would get weirded out by it.
And then... The bus came, and I realized I forgot to get the $1.25 from him to pay my fare, and I had to go to the Wok and ask him for a ride home. The truth is, he originally offered to give me a ride both to and from MAS (assuming I didn't have work that night), but I turned it down both because of work and because I knew that not being together anymore it wasn't really a good thing for him to be giving me a lot of rides. I knew we needed to keep some distance. So here I am, not only going back on what I said about trying to be a good ex by not spending too much time with him or asking too much of him, but also making him unable to thoroughly enjoy his dinner with friends at the Wok because he had to keep looking at the time to make sure I got to work by 11:30 (which was when Lester said was the latest time I could come in). I'm right back to where I can't be. If we were to get back together, I'd need to be more responsible and capable of managing things on my own, and apart, especially as people who were once together, all the more so. I have no longer have the privilege of asking for help whenever I need it, even if when I did have it I was to use it responsibly. The ride to SA was uncomfortable and depressing.
I want to change so bad. I want to be the person he wanted me to be, both for him and for myself. Not only did I want to be someone he loved and wanted to be with, but the kind of person he wants to be with... Is the kind of person I want to be. I want to be responsible. I want to be able to manage myself. I want to be smart. I want to be clever. I want to be interesting. I want to know more about the world. I want to be the kind of person who takes the initiative to learn more and to constantly broaden my horizons. I want to be someone who cares and doesn't turn cold whenever things don't work like I planned. I want to be on top of things: mentally, physically, and emotionally.
But I'm not. I may be "smart", but I stopped growing a long, long time ago. I try to be more responsible than I used to be, but usually that amounts to not making any promises because I doubt I can keep them. I used to read and work hard in school to learn and broaden my horizons, and now I sit at home fangirlishly squeeing in my LJ about some TV show. Of course I couldn't have known that this would happen, but in a very real sense, it's my fault that I didn't become the person he wanted, and it's most certainly my fault that I didn't become the person I wanted to be. And I hate myself for it.
I mean, I wonder if I should just throw all of my present lifestyle out the window and just start over. Start growing again. Start exercising my mind, my tongue, my body, my self-control... Start learning how to filter all of these thoughts that jumble through my head that I'm too afraid are wise for a 10 year old but infantile for 20.
I want a second chance so desperately, but even if I were granted that wish... Would I just end up here again, left behind because I have too plebeian of a mind, and there's nothing I can do about it? But perhaps the hardest thing for me to come to terms with right now is that I won't get that second chance, because he's already finding others that give him what he needs, and once you leave someone so surely, going back to; them will only be regression for yourself.
So for now... I'm just going to fight to become someone I can actually be proud of, and to one day enter a relationship where neither of us will be settling for the other.
But Patrick, in case you ever read this: I'm so, so sorry for all the too many times I let you down.
[EDIT: I decided to filter this post from Patrick.]
[EDIT AGAIN: I unlocked the entry, after having IMed the entire thing to him anyway.]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-07-29 06:20 pm (UTC)but in a very real sense, it's my fault that I didn't become the person he wanted, and it's most certainly my fault that I didn't become the person I wanted to be. And I hate myself for it. There are a lot of reason that relationships don't work out... I mean, I know everyone wishes they were someone else perodiclly. I don't really know what you say... but I agree with the comment above me. You have to let go of the idea you'll get back together.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 12:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 12:22 am (UTC)