don't know what, but it ain't good

So last night after turning off all the lights and preparing to hit the sack, I din't.  I sat down on the couch and started fiddling with my stitches, trying to make the ones that were ready come out.  And then I was just playing with the stitches.  And tugging on them.  And rolling them.  Basically messing with them as much as I could to try to get them to come out.  With a scary masturbation-like intensity I spent the next perhaps three hours doing this, feeling and comprehending parts of my gum falling out of their intended position with each section removed.
Besides the fact that my gums are now <I>very</I> sore, but I'm pretty freaked out about how this will affect my treatment?  How much harm did I actually cause?  Is it fixable?  How much of a financial/scheduling hassle would it be for my parents?  How traumatic would the solution be?
If it needs to be fixed, I'm imagining it'll end up being a separate hour-long appointment with novacaine shots and re-suturing.
I've always felt a drive to "sandpaper" any imperfections of my body: scabs, pimples, etc, and I know that's something to be avoided.  But why wouldn't or couldn't I stop?  Even in the middle of it all, the franticity of it all scared me.  My fingers flew across my gums without any conscious decision, and though I could feel what I was doing, I was on auto-pilot.
I'm probably reading too far into it, but I wonder if it was some kind of anxiety attack manifesting itself in easily accesible self-mutilation.  Or if I want to really throw up some wannabe Freudian psychology, maybe it has to do with my wishes that I had never gone through with this operation.  The subconscious is such a genius: of course reverse-surgery wouldn't result in just as much trauma as the one I just had.  ^_^;;;
What would I do without my Ensure?...  =P
I'm really nervous about what Dr. Lehnert's response will be.  And in the unlikely chance that it's ok as it is...   That memory was still pretty disturbing.
Oh god...  I wouldn't take this too seriously, but my mind just wandered across comparing it to not masturbation, but rape!  *shudders*  Maybe I should bring this event up with my next visit to Kate and/or Dr. Orman.
犬ちゃんに会いたいですよ。

こどものおもちゃがだ～いすきよ！

Finally, Heiskell announced a new license for FUNimation, a license that he pointed out people have been requesting for years—Kodomo no Omocho. Rather than actually naming the show, Heiskell took out a baka hammer that many people immediatelly recognized as being from Kodocha. He then when on to state, “It was in licensing Hell... Hell has Frozen over!” and he showed the original Japanese opening for Kodocha. During the opening he gave out 120 hammers to the very excited panel attendees. The license for Kodocha was signed three weeks ago, and it is expected to be released in spring or summer 2005.
- excerpted from this ANN article

Wow... If I had been there, my heart would have literally skipped a beat. Or two. (Or ten, if I don't have to be literal. =P)
They certainly knew how much ecstatic disbelief it would cause. And to be honest... The pomp in acknowledgement and excitement of this is good enough of an apology for having taken so long, in my opinion.
I still don't believe it. ^_^; Gotta find ways to distract myself in the meantime...
*heart fills with gratified anticipation*

And now for more analogies!

Things are great. 4-6 weeks ahead of the typical, recovery-wise. No exposed bone, as I thought. No apocalypse in the early "falling out" of my stitches. In fact, he removed all of the stitches in back. The discovered crisis: I had lost four pounds in the week since my last visit. That's not that much, but the worry is that if I don't get out of this shallow eating habit so I don't lose another fifteen by May. To be honest, I figured I'd gain my appetite back soon enough that this would be a nice opportunity to lose a little flab off my stomach by just eating when I'm hungry. After all, I myself would be disturbed if I intentionally went on a diet with my steady 120 +/- 5.
Dad explained that no, my appetite won't just come back by itself, and eating according to appetite in this condition would bring me to dangerous weights. The point: the only healthy thing right now is to try to gain weight, as it assures not losing any. And you know what? Sure, I'd like to be 110, but 130's perfectly fine with me. Besides, if what I really want to do is get rid of the excess flab in certain areas, wouldn't it be more efficient to work on toning them? Not only do you burn fat but you for the most part get to choose WHICH fat (if there's any fat in those wrists of mine, losing it would make me go to the doctor).
The strangest thing today. So, my gums were incredibly sore, and then the stopped hurting. Ok, I've stopped aggravating them long enough for them to recover. Strange, but a happy whatever.
Around noon or 12:15, my palate seems to get number than before, or at least a different kind of numb - a warm kind of numb. I vaguely wonder if this some sort of regression in my recovery?
At slightly after 12:30 I climb into the van Dad has pulled up outside Coffman. Within a minute I feel this cool "pop", like a tiny pop-rock had popped above my palate. Then some more. Then suddenly I feel as if there's a shallow stream of cool water running a thin path across my palate. My whole palate becomes cool to my tongue's touch. More mini pop-rocks, spreading across the entirety of my soft palate. That spot under my eye begins to twitch as it has many times before; but not since my surgery. Under both eyes. It subsides. The pop-rocks return. As we get nearer the doctor's office, my cheeks begin to tingle. They, too, develop mini pop-rocks. My cheeks' popping is accompanied by a soft vibration in my palate. My nose feels like it's somehow dripped down and touched my upper lip. Not even a fly had landed on it.
And so the random fireworks that seemed to have been scheduled for 12:30 today without even an out-of-dress rehearsal continues. The sensations change slightly every minute or so. By the time I get back to the U some of them have become vaguely unpleasant (ever so mild stinging or itching), but it's so weak that if I weren't fascinated by it I probably wouldn't have perceived them.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the back of my lower jaw is caught in minor traffic, and the hard palate called in sick, but welcome to the grand re-opening of neural transmission in and surrounding my oral cavity!"
*smiles and bows politely amidst the applause and roaring cheers*
"Thank you, thank you. I would also like to apologize for the slight inconvenience as we complete some final touches. We hope all the main exhibits will be open in the next few month, and the contractor has assured us that the last construction scraps should be removed from the premises within six months. Until then, feel free to explore and observe all we have to offer! Feel free to stop by our gift shop with pocky, ice cream, books, hugs or simple "hi"s at any time."
Hee - that was fun. =P
Anyways, though, although my heightened sensitivity to the "you still there"s between my brain and the rest of my face can get pretty distracting, it's kind of a fun experience, wondering what will come next, like at Fourth of July fireworks. When I have nothing that demands my attention, I find myself mentally ooh-ing and aah-ing at the varying sensations, and once-in-a-while awe-ing at the wonders of the human body and it's ability to heal.
But moving on. Somewhere in all of this my sleep deprivation and anxiety is making for an appropriately surreal setting for these surreal sensations. It feel everything, but a part of me wouldn't be at all surprised if I was in some VR right now. It kind of reminds me when I used to get this feeling that I was separated from the world by this invisible box that made everyone twice as far away: also twice as quiet, twice as much effort to touch, gave me the need to speak twice as loudly. Of course my brain knew that that would be perceived by others as yelling, but my gut felt like I was trying to communicate in whispers.
This isn't quite the same... I'll have to get the cook's recipe, but I'm guessing the main difference lies in the seasonings, though I wouldn't at all be surprised if they substituted the pollack with crab.
I'm really not in the mood to go to class, but as it's going to start in 7 minutes and I'd have to think of something else to say, I'll be responsible (for once).

important, but annoying, realization

Doctor said I could now eat foods that required significant chewing, such as hamburgers and pizza; not only that, but he said it was important to practice my new mad chopper skillz (not in those words, unfortunately). It's actually not that bad at all - I can chew VERY well. I was chewing the hamburger and fries (note the high calorie and fat content, plus I had coke and 2%) I bought at the Big 10 in Dinky Dome. Yep, great chewing.
Chewing isn't eating.
A major realization I had today: right now I simply do not have the motor skills to guide the food to my esophagus. My tongue can move the food pretty damn well, but my ability to sense where in my mouth the food is is too weak to consistently keep the food out of my windpipe, and even then I have to use my fingers to pick up the little chunks sitting in random locations in my mouth so I can try again.
So, if I need to practice chewing, buy me gum. Until the sense of touch in my mouth develops greater accuracy, all forms of nutrition are basically useless to me unless it's fluid enough for gravity to take care of it's delivery to my esophagus.