Yesterday Pat and I spent a while on the phone trying to figure out if I have time to get together - when I found out that a bunch of Alana's teen friends (I don't think of myself as a "teen") were coming over. I called Pat back and asked him to pick me up.
The thing is, I went there to study, and he was actually really good about actually letting me work, but... There was something that pissed me off about him spending his time on Ventrilo (and not even playing) and the OSF message boards.
Actually, I should go back a little further... At MAS on Thursday, Patrick pulled out his laptop and not only posting on the OSF boards but listening to Ventrilo. During anime club. And, as I understand it, not because he was waiting for some reply or anything. Just 'cause he wanted to. DURING MAS.
When Patrick asked if anything was wrong, I told him no, nothing was wrong. Why should I care if he finds OSF more interesting that the American cartoons being shown for Valentine's day? I wanted to just reach over and turn off his computer... And then he went off with Ryan for 45 minutes, but he didn't really end up missing anything, since the Zim DVD froze even the ACTUAL DVD player.
I digress.
When he came back, the self that "wasn't angry at Patrick" decided to give him a taste of his own medicine and devote my attention to the internet (I think I was checking blogs). Why would I give him water-tasting medicine?
Back to yesterday. I was reading my psych book, and I hear Patrick turn on Ventrilo. All of the sudden I just want to go home. I tell Patrick this, and he asks me to wait fifteen minutes and I agree. Over the course of the next hour-and-a-half, he finally drew the truth out of me.
For whatever reason, regardless of the rationality, I have come to HATE OSF. I hate the message boards, I hate the games, I hate the postings, I hate the Evil Foods (not really part of OSF), I hate the games, I hate Desert Combat, I hate respawning, I hate MP40s, I hate cool maneuvers - I HATE IT ALL.
And I hate that myself for hating this. It's INCREDIBLY petty, and the truth is, OSF is a big and valuable part of his life. As he explained to me, it's more than just gaming - it's a community of friends. I realized it's kind of like the grep* was to me...
It's come up over and over again, but this way that I hold stuff in is just... rancid. I don't really know what I mean by that, but it's the only way I can describe it. I keep on trying, but eventually it needs to become reality: I need to stop bottling things in.
When we got back to my house, Patrick got really quiet, and I asked him what was up. What he said, basically, is that dragging the truth out of me all the time is tiring and painful, and that he didn't want to put up with it anymore (note the difference from he won't put up with it anymore).
My secrecy is turning this fruit sour, but I believe that we're still well before the point of no return.
So, Patrick, I know I've said this before, but... I am REALLY going to try to do things right. Not "from now on", for we both know that that phrase is bullshit. I'm just going to try.
note to self:
Even if you don't want him to think anythings wrong, you're acting isn't good enough to make him believe it. And you KNOW it hurts him when he doesn't believe it. SO DON'T DO IT. Remember, he loves you and understands you; and you can TRUST HIM to take what you're'm saying in the right context, or at least work through the context with you.
I guess that's enough of that babble.
The strangely good news is, this whole event gave me an idea of what to give Patrick for Valentine's Day... It's going to be quite a strange and, as usual, belated, present.
Tanuki-chan, for being there for me... arigato.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone, and especially a belated Happy National Freedom to Marry Day!
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