[DL] cleft and other thoughts
Nov. 7th, 2003 09:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tsukikageThere may be another coming up *giggles in Nikko-chan's general direction*, but today I witnessed a sign of the apocolypse: Patrick updated his diary! Of course, he didn't manage to update his profile, which still lists him as being 16... ^^;
Anyways, even though I had originally planned to go to RPG night at Vinny's, I ended up volunteering for a cleft-related family fun night (don't ask me where the hypens should properly go) from 6 to 9 today, and I'm really glad I went. First, it was a lot of fun. I ran the duck game (you know, the one with the "you win" stickers on the bottom) and played with the kids towards the end of the evening. There was this one girl - I think she was four - who was absolutely ADORABLE! I was chasing her around the room, making faces with her, and tickling her till she started saying "I'm warning you!" in this amazingly cute voice. When she left I almost asked her for her number so we could make a play-date. ^_^;
But that's not really what I want to talk about...
Actually, before I go any further, I realize some of you may not even know what I'm talking about, for more information you can visit my cleft site.
Anyways, while I was there I talked with some people who have already had their jaw surgeries and rhinoplasties. The volunteer I met at my craniofacial-dental clinic appointment, Courtney, brought me her cleft photo album to look at. She didn't want to scare me, but thought it would help if I could know more about what it's really like. Let me just say, I hope the bark is worse than the bite. (Courtney assured me that it was, if only because of the morphine. ^^; )
The pictures looked like someone had had been beaten to a pulp and was wrapped in bandages after major facial reconstruction. I suppose this makes sense, though: it IS major facial reconstruction. It was also a little easier to handle once I realized those things on the side of head were ice-packs, not wads of gauze to control an immense amount of bleeding. *shivers*
And then I saw the after pictures of her and another woman there, and it amazed me. Although you could notice if you looked, the frontal view wasn't that different, but after comparing before and after profile shots... Wow. I mean, I really will be the same person - my cleft (thankfully) won't go away - but I will be a little closer to "normal".
I feel so blasphemous to want that...
But is it really WORTH it? I am now pretty sure that I want my nose to be "normal", and I DEFINITELY want to be able to chew instead of tear, but I must admit, I'm freaked out. I'm glad I saw the pictures, since I know what I'm facing a little better, but that doesn't mean I'm at all comforted, just calmed.
I know Dad's going to be there, and I hope Mom is, but you don't know just how much strength I'm drawing from that Patrick said he'd be there. It's really weird, but part of me worries what he will think right after my operation, with my face all swollen and bandaged and miserable, but if only he's there when I wake up tell me he loves me and that I'm beautiful and to give me a gentle kiss, I'll know that all is right...
*drips with sap*
Another thing: one of the reasons I'm anxious about this operation is that I don't want it to be over. I don't want to lose my "heritage". Today Courtney gave a speech-let about her experiences with a unilateral cleft lip and palate, and how it's led her to working with children with clefts. I don't think I'd want to make clefts my occupation, but today I realized that I don't have to let go of it all. First, it will never be completely gone from my life, no matter how hard I may try. Secondly, I can be INVOLVED. I want to be there to help others who are only beginning their many years of treatment. I don't want to let go, so I'll remember by providing my memory, and my encouragement, to others.
One more thing: Courtney said today that she knows she would not be the same person today if it weren't for her cleft. How true those words are... Sometimes I think what my life would be like without a cleft, and I generally conclude that I'm glad I have have it. Even with the seemingly endless operations, putting up with taunts from idiots has protected me from the arrogance of "teen-hood" and provided me with a sense of individuality and compassion, and for that I am truly grateful.
Anyways, even though I had originally planned to go to RPG night at Vinny's, I ended up volunteering for a cleft-related family fun night (don't ask me where the hypens should properly go) from 6 to 9 today, and I'm really glad I went. First, it was a lot of fun. I ran the duck game (you know, the one with the "you win" stickers on the bottom) and played with the kids towards the end of the evening. There was this one girl - I think she was four - who was absolutely ADORABLE! I was chasing her around the room, making faces with her, and tickling her till she started saying "I'm warning you!" in this amazingly cute voice. When she left I almost asked her for her number so we could make a play-date. ^_^;
But that's not really what I want to talk about...
Actually, before I go any further, I realize some of you may not even know what I'm talking about, for more information you can visit my cleft site.
Anyways, while I was there I talked with some people who have already had their jaw surgeries and rhinoplasties. The volunteer I met at my craniofacial-dental clinic appointment, Courtney, brought me her cleft photo album to look at. She didn't want to scare me, but thought it would help if I could know more about what it's really like. Let me just say, I hope the bark is worse than the bite. (Courtney assured me that it was, if only because of the morphine. ^^; )
The pictures looked like someone had had been beaten to a pulp and was wrapped in bandages after major facial reconstruction. I suppose this makes sense, though: it IS major facial reconstruction. It was also a little easier to handle once I realized those things on the side of head were ice-packs, not wads of gauze to control an immense amount of bleeding. *shivers*
And then I saw the after pictures of her and another woman there, and it amazed me. Although you could notice if you looked, the frontal view wasn't that different, but after comparing before and after profile shots... Wow. I mean, I really will be the same person - my cleft (thankfully) won't go away - but I will be a little closer to "normal".
I feel so blasphemous to want that...
But is it really WORTH it? I am now pretty sure that I want my nose to be "normal", and I DEFINITELY want to be able to chew instead of tear, but I must admit, I'm freaked out. I'm glad I saw the pictures, since I know what I'm facing a little better, but that doesn't mean I'm at all comforted, just calmed.
I know Dad's going to be there, and I hope Mom is, but you don't know just how much strength I'm drawing from that Patrick said he'd be there. It's really weird, but part of me worries what he will think right after my operation, with my face all swollen and bandaged and miserable, but if only he's there when I wake up tell me he loves me and that I'm beautiful and to give me a gentle kiss, I'll know that all is right...
*drips with sap*
Another thing: one of the reasons I'm anxious about this operation is that I don't want it to be over. I don't want to lose my "heritage". Today Courtney gave a speech-let about her experiences with a unilateral cleft lip and palate, and how it's led her to working with children with clefts. I don't think I'd want to make clefts my occupation, but today I realized that I don't have to let go of it all. First, it will never be completely gone from my life, no matter how hard I may try. Secondly, I can be INVOLVED. I want to be there to help others who are only beginning their many years of treatment. I don't want to let go, so I'll remember by providing my memory, and my encouragement, to others.
One more thing: Courtney said today that she knows she would not be the same person today if it weren't for her cleft. How true those words are... Sometimes I think what my life would be like without a cleft, and I generally conclude that I'm glad I have have it. Even with the seemingly endless operations, putting up with taunts from idiots has protected me from the arrogance of "teen-hood" and provided me with a sense of individuality and compassion, and for that I am truly grateful.