[DL] futari wa, doko e iku ka?
Mar. 16th, 2003 01:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tsukikageWhat's going on? I'm really scared...
I love Patrick. I've felt like I have for a long time now. Or, at least, he's been SO precious to me. I worry that I was fooling myself, like I fooled myself into believing in God. It seems unbelievable to me that I could fall in love with my first boyfriend, whom I started dating 4 days after I met him. I didn't even think he was all that cute at first, although he certainly wasn't bad-looking. But at this point, I'd have to be a REALLY good actress to be fooling myself this deeply. I mean, if we were old enough, I'd move in with him. (We wouldn't do anything, you guys. Jeez! *hears Patrick's voice asking "anything?", and hits him over the head*) So often I just want to be with him, and when I get together with him, it's never long enough.
But at the same time that my feelings for him are getting stronger, I'm getting more and more worried. On Thursday, Patrick scolded me for acting extra-crazily at MAS, because he felt it was my way of ignoring my academic problems. (He's probably right...) He said that it really frustrated him, but I basically acknowledged what he said, and then forgot about it.
Then today we went to Madam Butterfly with Ann (my step-mom), and afterwards we went to this restaurant for desert. Although the play wasn't the best, my boat floats quite easily. But I hated the fact that he basically came for dinner, we went to the opera, we got some food, came back to the house, and he went home. (It was getting late.) It was irrational, but this really frustrated me. Just when I want to be with him more than ever, it feels like I'm spending less time than ever with him. I mean, we do still get together at MAS and on weekends, but... We used to spend most of Saturday together, but that really hasn't worked out recently, due either to our schedules or homework. But, hey - at least we only live 20 minutes from each other - I should learn to deal with this if we're still going to be together during college.
But, anyways, that's really not the point. (Or perhaps it is, but who knows?) Patrick realized that something was wrong, but I couldn't tell him. I didn't know. (Not totally sure I do now.) I just wanted to cry. But, the other thing was that he pointed out something to me. He said that when we were at the restaurant, I was doing something (acting crazily again?) that seemed like I was trying to put him off. Unfortunately, he couldn't elaborate - he couldn't really remember/explain. And, of course, that was really frustrating. I wonder if it was when I was talking about scaring him off with Para Para... I bet, now that I think of it. But this is really bothering me.
Isn't this how I've always acted? I was really crazy this summer... If not, why am I acting this way? Is it an extension of my academic paralysis? Does it have something to do with my growing feelings for him (ie. being scared of them)? Could it tear us apart at our peak? Is it really nothing? Is there anything I can do about it?
Wakaranai.
I love Patrick. I've felt like I have for a long time now. Or, at least, he's been SO precious to me. I worry that I was fooling myself, like I fooled myself into believing in God. It seems unbelievable to me that I could fall in love with my first boyfriend, whom I started dating 4 days after I met him. I didn't even think he was all that cute at first, although he certainly wasn't bad-looking. But at this point, I'd have to be a REALLY good actress to be fooling myself this deeply. I mean, if we were old enough, I'd move in with him. (We wouldn't do anything, you guys. Jeez! *hears Patrick's voice asking "anything?", and hits him over the head*) So often I just want to be with him, and when I get together with him, it's never long enough.
But at the same time that my feelings for him are getting stronger, I'm getting more and more worried. On Thursday, Patrick scolded me for acting extra-crazily at MAS, because he felt it was my way of ignoring my academic problems. (He's probably right...) He said that it really frustrated him, but I basically acknowledged what he said, and then forgot about it.
Then today we went to Madam Butterfly with Ann (my step-mom), and afterwards we went to this restaurant for desert. Although the play wasn't the best, my boat floats quite easily. But I hated the fact that he basically came for dinner, we went to the opera, we got some food, came back to the house, and he went home. (It was getting late.) It was irrational, but this really frustrated me. Just when I want to be with him more than ever, it feels like I'm spending less time than ever with him. I mean, we do still get together at MAS and on weekends, but... We used to spend most of Saturday together, but that really hasn't worked out recently, due either to our schedules or homework. But, hey - at least we only live 20 minutes from each other - I should learn to deal with this if we're still going to be together during college.
But, anyways, that's really not the point. (Or perhaps it is, but who knows?) Patrick realized that something was wrong, but I couldn't tell him. I didn't know. (Not totally sure I do now.) I just wanted to cry. But, the other thing was that he pointed out something to me. He said that when we were at the restaurant, I was doing something (acting crazily again?) that seemed like I was trying to put him off. Unfortunately, he couldn't elaborate - he couldn't really remember/explain. And, of course, that was really frustrating. I wonder if it was when I was talking about scaring him off with Para Para... I bet, now that I think of it. But this is really bothering me.
Isn't this how I've always acted? I was really crazy this summer... If not, why am I acting this way? Is it an extension of my academic paralysis? Does it have something to do with my growing feelings for him (ie. being scared of them)? Could it tear us apart at our peak? Is it really nothing? Is there anything I can do about it?
Wakaranai.