今夜苦しむほど．．．

[tsukikage]

Despite being quite tired, I can't sleep because I'm anxious to the point of crying over thinking about how I probably won't get to see my Oma and Opa again, how I've tried so many times to write them a letter or call them but gave up because of my lack of language skills, and to a smaller extent, how my childhood at my mom's will never come back. This is kind of weird, but Mom mentioned in a recent e-mail that there was a will in the filing cabinet in the basement of the house, which reminds me of how when I was younger I wanted to buy the house from her if she ever moved out, which got me to thinking about all the changes made to the house... How, as I believe I've mentioned a couple of times before, that house is almost entirely not the house I grew up in anymore. Not to mention how I essentially got forced out of my bedroom and into the basement, and Allie took my room, and then when they added the sunroom the view from what was once my room was never again to be the one I looked onto on all those nights and days...
Nanka... Tonight the pain of growing up and the results of decisions I made and decisions that were made for me... その取り戻せない過去に苦しむほど戻りたい。どうして時間が一方だけに流れてはいけないの？
Tomorrow I need to make a renewed effort to write Oma and Opa a letter. Even if it's just in English, maybe I can find someone online to translate it for me. I need to let them know I'm still thinking of them and that I miss them.

[EDIT: Lulz, apparently writing up this angsty emo post was just what I needed to calm down. Hopefully the calm will stick once I turn off the computer and light again.]