elders' deaths
Dec. 17th, 2009 02:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tsukikageIt's nearly two in the morning, I'm laying in bed with the lights off trying to sleep, and my mind is obsessing over the truth that my grandpa could very easily die in the next five years, or earlier. That's gut-wrenching enough, but add to that that it's very possible he could go without warning; without me having a chance to say all the things I want to. If I can't become an adult before he passes away, I at least want to promise him that I will, and anshin saseru him about tings like that. Or maybe he already is anshin, but for my own sake... I feel like I want some sort of blessing from him? Or I want him to assure me that he's anshin, so I don't have to feel bad about that?
It's been.. Two years? Maybe one. I know it was winter, anyway... Siince I had my last really serious flare-ups of my necrophobia. But especially since grandpa had his mini-stroke this week, my anxieties surrounding my grandpa, and even my parents, eventually being dead and removed from my world has flared up for the first time in I think much longer. I almost acknowledge and accept my own death more than I do any of theirs. I know nearly everyone has to face that pain and void, but right now... I can't possibly fathom how they do. Instead I just remain in a sort of denial or temporary ignorance of it. (Truth be told, I thnk this is part of how I get by when my necrophobia isn't flared up - I manage to go through life with nothing but a superficial acknowledgment of my own eventual death.)
When I was talking to Grandpa while he was in the hospital the other day, I casually asked him if it was scary for him. He said he wasn't scared of death at all; it would just be over. (I think Dad used to be rather scared, but now he's essentially in the same place; I wonder if that's a sign that I'll eventually get there too...) So obviously, I've lightly broached the topic of him dying, but I have no idea how to bring up the things I want to tell him before he goes. It's just so... morbid. And even if he tells me he's not scared, it still seems insensitive. But as I said, although I can do nothing to escape from my anxiety over his eventual death, maybe if I can get those things off my chest, I can at least relieve my anxiety about that, as well as any regret I might have when he does go.
Roy (Roger's dad), Oma, and Opa are a whole 'nother issue. I really need to call Roy this weekend, methinks. I haven't talked to him in... Maybe two years as well. ><; But Oma and Opa... Yeah. I almost feel like that's a lost cause. :( In a way I'm grateful that I haven't seen them in so long, since the loss will probably be far less painful, but I think the guilt will be so, so much worse.
On the plus side, I think typing this out has calmed my mind down enough to let me go to sleep. Yay!
It's been.. Two years? Maybe one. I know it was winter, anyway... Siince I had my last really serious flare-ups of my necrophobia. But especially since grandpa had his mini-stroke this week, my anxieties surrounding my grandpa, and even my parents, eventually being dead and removed from my world has flared up for the first time in I think much longer. I almost acknowledge and accept my own death more than I do any of theirs. I know nearly everyone has to face that pain and void, but right now... I can't possibly fathom how they do. Instead I just remain in a sort of denial or temporary ignorance of it. (Truth be told, I thnk this is part of how I get by when my necrophobia isn't flared up - I manage to go through life with nothing but a superficial acknowledgment of my own eventual death.)
When I was talking to Grandpa while he was in the hospital the other day, I casually asked him if it was scary for him. He said he wasn't scared of death at all; it would just be over. (I think Dad used to be rather scared, but now he's essentially in the same place; I wonder if that's a sign that I'll eventually get there too...) So obviously, I've lightly broached the topic of him dying, but I have no idea how to bring up the things I want to tell him before he goes. It's just so... morbid. And even if he tells me he's not scared, it still seems insensitive. But as I said, although I can do nothing to escape from my anxiety over his eventual death, maybe if I can get those things off my chest, I can at least relieve my anxiety about that, as well as any regret I might have when he does go.
Roy (Roger's dad), Oma, and Opa are a whole 'nother issue. I really need to call Roy this weekend, methinks. I haven't talked to him in... Maybe two years as well. ><; But Oma and Opa... Yeah. I almost feel like that's a lost cause. :( In a way I'm grateful that I haven't seen them in so long, since the loss will probably be far less painful, but I think the guilt will be so, so much worse.
On the plus side, I think typing this out has calmed my mind down enough to let me go to sleep. Yay!
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 12:06 am (UTC)I don't think your fearfulness about death, whether your own or others', is all that unusual, in type or degree. It's something everyone has to find a way to face, and some people do find a way to face it head on eventually without fearfulness. A lot more people do their best to just not think about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with addressing it partly with the latter as you're trying to live your life day to day, though it's best to eventually be able to find peace even when it can't be put out of mind. I think I've definitely experienced different degrees of fear, denial, and acceptance at different times in my life, and still do.
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Date: 2009-12-20 03:00 am (UTC)