learning to be friends, and coming to understand why we won't be more

[tsukikage]

Spent a good chunk of time with Patrick today, both during and after MAS. (We went to the Wok afterwards, where there was a group of MASers who we sat with for the following hour and a half.) It was nice to spend time with him and just be friends - that really hasn't happened it a while. Although I must admit I really wanted to play with his hair or lean against him. Thing is, afterwards as we were walking to the parking lot and driving home, I felt like our conversation was quite lacking. Part of it, I think, was that he didn't really want to talk about any of the significant things going on in his life, and I kind of felt that he wouldn't want to hear and/or talk about the worries in my own life, but beyond that... We really had nothing to talk about. I don't know if that was partly because I felt awkward and just couldn't think of anything to talk about, or I felt pressured to talk about "smart" things, but the end result was just a very flat conversation that will probably just reinforce his decision. Which on one side I'm okay with, but on the other... There's a part of me that keeps thinking that our learning to interact again will lead to our getting back together and doesn't like that possibility being shot down. But as I said, the largest part of me has learned to come to terms with that overwhelming likelihood. (I only use likelihood for lack of a better word, as our relationship's momentum is platonic, and likelihood implies an added force.)
I just wish I had given him a hug before I got out of the car...