my day

Things I did today:
- got off of work
- went to TCF by bus on borrowed bus money (as I forgot my wallet at home) immediately after work to deposit my paycheck, only to find that it doesn't open until 9 on Fridays
- rushed home to get ready for my job interview, including trying to take a shower by getting out every last bit of conditioner from the bottle
- go to the TCF in Highland right before my job interview and deposit $308.52 in the bank and get $50 cash (so, the two checks totaled $358.52)
- was thoroughly unimpressive at my job interview, as was expected; also, drank a free cup of tea (Dragonwell 1st) and ate a chocolate cake, which I paid for
- went to Snyders to see if Jeff was working: he's out of town
- went to Barnes and Noble; bought Megatokyo volume 4, put the best Japanese cookbook I've found so far on hold for ten days to think about getting, and renewed my B&N membership; total spent: $34.99 (was a check)
- went to Caribou Coffee to see if Vinnie was working; he was, so I hid behind a counter until it was my turn in line, then jumped out and attempted to scare him; bought a "french toast" muffin
- went to Lunds to see what they had in terms of Japanese food (not much); asked the man at the sushi counter to make me some kappa maki (cucumber rolls), which I bought and ate, although since I was walking around so much I ate it plain, rather than with soy sauce or wasabi
- went to the T-Mobile store to see if I could pay my T-Mobile bill there; long story short, it'll cost my $190 to pay off my bill and re-activate service, and $400 to not re-activate it - I figured it'd be more expensive to re-activate it, but it seems I still haven't finished my year contract with all the time I had it (a number of months I had the account in suspension); attempted to pay said bill with a check, but they required a state ID to take the check and I didn't have any other forms of payment for that much
- went back to TCF to withdraw $200, but I can't withdraw any money until the check clears, it seems
- asked what I needed to get a new check card, and was sent to sign in to meet with one of the desk people; met with one of the desk people, and ended up being able to identify myself with my U Card and social security card, so now I have a check card coming in the mail - no charge, either! :)
- got on the 84 to go to Midway; thought about getting off to visit darkjing, but I decided not to since I didn't even know if he was home (if you were, sorry ^_^;)
- left my Barnes and Noble bag on the 84, which contained my checkbook and maybe a receipt or two
- went to the driver's license station to get a Minnesota driver's manual; looked up what I needed to identify myself to get a new permit, and I indeed needed my birth certificate, which I intended to take with me but forgot
- went to Rainbow to see what they had in terms of Japanese food - they did better than Lunds, surprisingly, but they still didn't have any soba sauce; bought a bottle of conditioner and body wash (which match our shampoo, since I have this weird thing of not wanting to use clashing scents, which would be impossible if everything I use is the same scent ;))
- chased a renegade receipt through the parking lot
- went to United Noodle to finally get me some real Japanese food; bought a bag of aka (red) miso, wakame (seaweed) soup, shiro (white) miso, miso w/ tofu (which seems to have run away on me), two bags of osuimono (clear soup), soba (a type of noodles), soba sauce, dried green peas with wasabi, seto fumi furikake (rice seasoning), red bean rice balls, mochi (rice cake)-wrapped green tea ice cream, and a bottle of green tea (I've never had bottled green tea, and all we sell at SA is sweetened and/or contains a bunch of crap), and spent $39.14; I almost bought some tofu and dry azuki beans (red beans), but it ended up being to much and I put those back; the saddest thing: they were out of my hard green tea candies, although after paying I asked the cashier if they still had them, and he asked another guy, who showed me some hard green tea candies which looked different, but were probably re-packaged versions of the candies I was looking for, and even if they weren't were probably just as good
- thoroughly defrosted the red bean rice balls and mochi-wrapped green tea ice cream waiting for the bus; decided that I prefer hot green tea to cold, since I'm not a big fan of the bitterness of green tea when it gets cold, but I certainly didn't hate it
- lightly sunburned myself, I think
- got home and SLEPT
- got snarky at Dad for making comments on my literary taste (it's starting to become a sore spot to me, but that's an entry of its own)

things I have yet to do:
- go to Metro Transit to retrieve my check an anything else of value that was in the Barnes and Noble bag
- go to meet Richa at Easy Reader tomorrow
- buy some cheese for Patrick
- go to back to the T-Mobile store to pay off my bill, since I can't do it online anymore
- go to the driver's license station with identifying documents and $20.50 to get driver's permit and duplicate
- get blank DVDs?
- go to the U on Monday morning to visit Sophie, stop by UDS to find out how many credits I need to be taking to work there and, if I can work there, sign up for shifts
- give Patrick his birthday present(s)
- pay Lester back the $2 I borrowed from him
- pay bills
- a while in the future I'd also like to pick out some Japanese recipes and go back to United Noodle to get some actual ingredients rather than spending more than I need to on instant food

Now, I shall reward myself with some Tribe-age :)

special me

Made myself a bowl of osuimono and promptly decided to wear it. I'm special.

Oh, man... That scene in season five, episoe 27 is so Jellie-licious.
I realize, though, that the main reason I'm such a Jellie fan is just because it's Jack. We've never seen him with anyone else, so Jellie shipping is the only way I imagine myself as Jack's aitei.
*watches scene again* :) He looks so cute plopping down like that. ^_^

[EDIT: I think something's still going on with Ellie. Whether consciously or not, it seems that she's trying do disable Jack with their relationship. *gets anxious to find out what's going on*]

[EDIT 2: Mega: "Why are these people always eating each other?" I'm starting to second that...]

fuck my plebeian mind

I've been reading his LJ a bit and... I want him back.
I'm trying really, really hard to be a good friend to him, and part of that means not expecting to ever be anything more, but sometime's it's so hard.
Part of it is I want to make up for all the shit I put him through. Well, not "make up for", that's not quite right... I just want to be good to him. The biggest part of it, of course, is just that I want him back. Sometimes I feel like I'm half-way through getting over him, and other times I'm exactly where I was. And over him or not, every night I'm at work, all alone for five hours straight, listening to the radio or a CD or whatever... I spend at least 3/4 of that time thinking about him or us or myself as it's affected us...
Pat picked me up to go to MAS on Thursday - his idea. It was really nice, I thought. A lot of the things I might've gotten a little annoyed about before, breaking up has somehow taught me to take them in stride and just smile. Teaching myself to respect his decision has also taught me to respect that he is who he is. On the way there we were talking about the WoW fishbot he uses and improved a bit, and as with all of our conversations these days, it had me constantly thinking about how "quick" or "sharp" I was, but for the most part I just enjoyed myself.
At MAS itself... We were sitting together, enjoying talking to various people on our own, talking a bit amongst ourselves... And I had this really strong urge to just lean against him. I just wanted some physical contact with him. For us to hold hands, or for him to have his arm around my shoulder or resting across my back while I was laying on the table or anything, really. After MAS when we were outside he put his arms out to give me a hug, and I was just so incredibly grateful for that. I had to rearrange the stuff I was carrying a bit, and then I gave him this really big hug, just releasing all that need for contact I had during MAS, and without even realising it I made a kiss into his shoulder... I know as I was walking towards the bus and he was going towards the Wok, I was really worried that he felt that and that he would get weirded out by it.
And then... The bus came, and I realized I forgot to get the $1.25 from him to pay my fare, and I had to go to the Wok and ask him for a ride home. The truth is, he originally offered to give me a ride both to and from MAS (assuming I didn't have work that night), but I turned it down both because of work and because I knew that not being together anymore it wasn't really a good thing for him to be giving me a lot of rides. I knew we needed to keep some distance. So here I am, not only going back on what I said about trying to be a good ex by not spending too much time with him or asking too much of him, but also making him unable to thoroughly enjoy his dinner with friends at the Wok because he had to keep looking at the time to make sure I got to work by 11:30 (which was when Lester said was the latest time I could come in). I'm right back to where I can't be. If we were to get back together, I'd need to be more responsible and capable of managing things on my own, and apart, especially as people who were once together, all the more so. I have no longer have the privilege of asking for help whenever I need it, even if when I did have it I was to use it responsibly. The ride to SA was uncomfortable and depressing.
I want to change so bad. I want to be the person he wanted me to be, both for him and for myself. Not only did I want to be someone he loved and wanted to be with, but the kind of person he wants to be with... Is the kind of person I want to be. I want to be responsible. I want to be able to manage myself. I want to be smart. I want to be clever. I want to be interesting. I want to know more about the world. I want to be the kind of person who takes the initiative to learn more and to constantly broaden my horizons. I want to be someone who cares and doesn't turn cold whenever things don't work like I planned. I want to be on top of things: mentally, physically, and emotionally.
But I'm not. I may be "smart", but I stopped growing a long, long time ago. I try to be more responsible than I used to be, but usually that amounts to not making any promises because I doubt I can keep them. I used to read and work hard in school to learn and broaden my horizons, and now I sit at home fangirlishly squeeing in my LJ about some TV show. Of course I couldn't have known that this would happen, but in a very real sense, it's my fault that I didn't become the person he wanted, and it's most certainly my fault that I didn't become the person I wanted to be. And I hate myself for it.
I mean, I wonder if I should just throw all of my present lifestyle out the window and just start over. Start growing again. Start exercising my mind, my tongue, my body, my self-control... Start learning how to filter all of these thoughts that jumble through my head that I'm too afraid are wise for a 10 year old but infantile for 20.
I want a second chance so desperately, but even if I were granted that wish... Would I just end up here again, left behind because I have too plebeian of a mind, and there's nothing I can do about it? But perhaps the hardest thing for me to come to terms with right now is that I won't get that second chance, because he's already finding others that give him what he needs, and once you leave someone so surely, going back to; them will only be regression for yourself.
So for now... I'm just going to fight to become someone I can actually be proud of, and to one day enter a relationship where neither of us will be settling for the other.

But Patrick, in case you ever read this: I'm so, so sorry for all the too many times I let you down.

[EDIT: I decided to filter this post from Patrick.]

[EDIT AGAIN: I unlocked the entry, after having IMed the entire thing to him anyway.]